Dude Currency: Hair Fare
The future of currency is now! This Week in Dude introduces Hair Fare!
As we all know, hair is a renewable resource. And as we all should know, chest hair is extremely precious and highly valued in many small villages.
Ask yourself this question. What’s cheaper? Printing money? Or growing hair? It’s a no-brainer. From penny-valued back hair, to 100 dollar bills from freshly harvested mustache, Hair Fare will more than likely replace all paper and coin currency by 2016.
Is the sky falling? No, it’s not. But the shedding of hair is finally being monetarily compensated. The world we live in is ever-changing, and we must adapt with it. Soon each and every dude will have to make the decision… Groom or be groomed.
The push for the conservation of energy leads to this obvious innovation. As they say, necessity is the mother of invention. From this necessity, barbarically hairy men will become infinitely more attractive, as is with the view on anyone who is worth a lot of money.
The practice of retrieving freshly grown and clean hair has been in place for quite some time now. Realizing the value of it though, and outlining a stringent code of ethics, is the new initiative for the future.
The process of extracting hair plays a factor in determining the value of each bill. Waxing leads to by far the crudest grouping of hair, since it reaches the printing press filled with impurities. The best method shown to deliver the most cherished currency is the “Shear and Smear”.
Shearing and smearing is actually a much cleaner and crisp process than one would intuitively think. The shearing step involves a swift-moving diamond coated blade (we’re looking at 1300 mph, and a Rockwell A hardness of 60 kgf, respectively). As the hair descends and flutters off of this extremely sharp blade, it is naturally collected right there on an expanded papyrus webbing which collects the hair effectively and results in a giant sheet of hair fare. The papyrus sheet is cut accordingly, and the currency is sent out to merchants across the world.
From the merchant, the hair fare is distributed to banks and other safe money depositories. Starting the money supply with the merchant will hopefully act to stimulate the economy in ways that only carefully collected and interwoven “man money” can.
What an amazing world we live in. Who would have thought that by 2016, our own body hair would be the driving force behind our economy? Follicle commerce is the future of our country, and it will be up to us Dudes to contribute to the “growth” of it.
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