Prepare to have your world rocked, or at the very least nudged, for I’ve come up with an idea so awesome it makes Leonardo da Vinci look like Ronnie from Jersey Shore, if I do say so myself – and I generally don’t toot my own horn, except after Mexican food.
My idea, which is quite avant-garde in its a la mode (or something), came to me one morning while reading the newspaper, which I subscribe to along with 6 other people under 50 (we also write letters and physically interact with other humans, although this largely amounts to being barreled into by people having staring contests with their cell phones. Incidentally, do they ever win? Has anyone ever seen them look up? Is the phone telling them where to go or are they just the ball in a real life game of Pong? And is it really OK to have so many questions in the same set of parentheses? Are there some kind of grammar police who will track me down and shove an ! up my : ? I hope not, for the sake of my derriere.).
Anyway, back to the newspaper, which I can usually get a few pages into despite the best efforts of my cat, who interprets my laying the paper on my desk as the Universal Cat Signal for sprawl here. On this particular morning, I read an article about how American Idol voting is at an all time high, or at least that’s what I think it was about since I made it through only the first couple sentences before the remaining text was buried by a ball of fur looking up at me with an expression of you were done, right?
I guess I just filled in the blanks as best I could, like we all do with certain song lyrics
Bohemian Rhapsody,Queen
Heard: The algebra has a devil for a side of meeeee
Actual: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeee
Blinded by the Light, Manfred Mann’s Earth Band
Heard: Wrapped up like a [feminine product]
Actual: Revved up like a deuce
Losing My Religion, REM
Heard: Let’s pee in the corner
Actual: That’s me in the corner
[Any Song], Sting
Heard: ???
Actual: ???
Anyway, it occurred to me that the American Idol format, with a few tweaks, could be used to elect our next president, instead of the current method, by which voters:
1. Look for a candidate with integrity and common sense.
2. Give up, and vote for whomever seems least likely to lead us off a cliff.
Candidates would compete for votes on live TV in challenges designed to test specific skills:
Challenge: Locked in a room with TWO 3 year olds and ONE toy.
Skill: Diplomacy.
Challenge: Form a single file line of 20 kittens.
Skill: Patience.
Challenge: Stand in the corner with REM.
Skill: Being prepared (with at least a backup pair of shoes).
Challenge: Take that toy away from the 3 year olds.
Skill: Courage.
And who wouldn’t tune in for the responsibility challenge:
[Dramatic music plays as camera pans over audience members, some holding signs that read "Democracy rules!" and "I want to be your intern!", before turning to the stage and zooming tight on Ryan Seacrest]
Ryan Seacrest (to candidates): Each of you is standing in front of a glass pane holding a brick. When I say go, you must use the brick to break the glass, then you’ll have 10 seconds to admit to breaking the glass. Allow me to refresh your memories with an example of an honest statement: I, Ryan Seacrest, am responsible for turning cable TV into a 24 hour Cretin Cacklefest by producing shows featuring people who would argue with their own reflections if no one else could be found, and were only rejected by Jerry Springer on the grounds of Insufficient Piercing – and I’d be sorry for this if people didn’t just eat it up and I weren’t paid cash by the wheelbarrow. Get the idea? OK, good luck to all three of you. We’ll start with candidate #1. Ready? Go!
[Crash!]
Candidate #1: The glass appears to have been broken by the brick, depending on how you define broken, and I may have, allegedly, thrown the brick, however we must also consider the workmanship of the glass and the fact that I would not have allegedly thrown the brick had I not been given a brick, therefore Mr. Seacrest is partly to blame, in addition to the producers of this show, and let’s not forget the manufacturer of the brick, and-
Ryan Seacrest: Time!
Randy Jackson: Aww, dude, what happened? For me, man, I mean, you just, dang, dude. You had the brick and the glass and you, oh man. Yo, dawg, you don’t take the cheese out the fridge if you aint gonna make a sandwich.
[Subtitles: What happened? I was expecting a better performance. You have to be more committed if you want to be successful.]
Ryan Seacrest: OK, candidate #2. Ready? Go!
[Crash!]
Candidate #2: I b-b-broke th-the… I… I brrrrruuuuuuhhh [candidate faints]
Ryan Seacrest: Don’t worry, folks. It’s typical for honesty to affect politicians like this. #3 – ready? Go!
[Inaudible whispering]
Ryan Seacrest: Uhh, #3? What are you… oh, hold on [puts fingers to his earpiece]. I’m being told you were trying to cheat.
Candidate #3: That’s absurd!
Ryan Seacrest: Well then, let’s play back the enhanced audio.
—
Voice on tape: Alright, brick. How bout I give you $10,000 and you make this look like an accident?
Brick on tape: …
Voice on tape: OK, fine. $10,000 AND I’ll make you my Chief of Staff.
—
Ryan Seacrest: Well?
Candidate #3: That could be anyone.
Ryan Seacrest: OK, how bout we play our video footage of you whispering to the brick and presenting it with a briefcase of cash and-
Candidate #3: You know, Ryan – over the past few minutes, I’ve learned the importance of family, which is why I will resign from this competition immediately to spend more time with my wife and children. No further questions.
*****
OK, perhaps I oversold this idea JUST A TAD at the beginning, but it would at least make part of our political process more entertaining, although the rest would remain the driving force behind Pepto Bismol sales. Of course, more cash would have to be wheeled to Ryan Seacrest, but I think he’d be OK with it. There probably are other benefits, but they’ll have to wait since one of my favorite songs just came on the radio. You know, the one by Toto that goes I left my brains down in Africa…
Incoming search terms:
- losing my religion da vinci